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Will someone get eaten by a giraffe in the African wildness?
How many times will they say "journey"?
Will Jess return like Kimberly Shaw in Melrose Place (minus that creepy scar)?
This year's series of The Bachelor Australia has had it all, tears, dirty street pies, love, loss and Laurina. Join us as we join Blake, Sam and Lisa on their "journey" to the final rose ceremony.
First up Osher is talking to the team on The Project about tonight's episode. Sadly the he'll be the only one talking to the media. Channel Ten have cancelled all media appearances for Blake and the winner.
"There's a major lock down going on because of the magnitude of what happens at about 8.30pm," he says.
"OMG THERE'S A BACHELOR BABY ON THE WAY ISN'T THERE??" Carrie Bickmore screams.
Cue awkward silence...
OH MY GOD LET'S DO THIS
Blake has one more date with each of the final ladies, Lisa and Sam.
He's taking them to a gaming range... Bet that dirty street pie doesn't sound so bad now, does it ladies?
"Who ever I choose is going to be apart of my family," says Blake "Captain Obvious" Garvey.
Blake's gran has recorded a video message for him and he's crying and so is she (I have something in my eye).
She says the only attribute he needs to look for in a wife is "honesty".
"Then bring her home and Gran will take a look," she says.
What a dame. I'd give her a rose any day.
Kim arrives to meet Blake. Wearing culottes. No comment.
"Rollercoaster". THE most overused word in reality TV. Stop I want to get off.
Ok, play time is over.
The mother has interjected to ask the tough questions:
"Do you think or do you know you want to be with him?"
"Have you had an argument?"
I haven't seen a cross examination this good since Ally McBeal.
"I can't wait to show you what I've got planned," the Batch tells Lisa.
Hmmm... if he's sending her home, that will be awkward...
This silence is excruciating between Sam and the fam.
POUR THE WINE FASTER BLAKE.
Good girl Sam.
A bucket of wine is the only solution to a family interrogation. you're doing us proud.
While Sam is being grilled, Lisa is using her down time to shout out to her passion projects.
Here she is promoting a range of ethically sourced eyelash extensions.
The glass of wine is empty.
Time to get up, then.
The meet and greets went well. Both ended with two of the most awkward pashes I've ever seen.
Both are considered to be "lovely" but Sam appears to be a front runner.
"She's very easy to talk too," Mum and Aunty agree.
Ok half an hour in, this is turning out to be the episode of total understatement.
The words "amazing" and "fantastic" are featuring prominently.
Dear Producers, please give the contestants a thesaurus next series.
Lisa, who allegedly lives in Noosa, has never been in a hot air balloon.
Something that has been on Blake's bucket list since he was emptying them as a (topless) waiter.
Lisa tried to tell Blake she loves him but blames the altitude for chickening out.
A picnic in the middle of the African wilderness and they're both wearing light colours.
Fingers crossed a laundry powder brand is on board as a sponsor.
Lisa gives a good quote:
"It's not the extravagance, it's you. I'm in love with you." (as she sips French Champagne and chews on some gourmet Gouda).
"For Lisa, I wanted to organise an out-of-Africa experience by sending her home early" #TheBachelorAU — Alice Zaslavsky (@aliceinframes) October 2, 2014
Hmm, our WAtoday colleague Candice Barnes over in Blake's home town of Perth tells me: "A very reliable source told me Blake is en route back to Perth and flying solo."
"He should just marry all of them. I doubt they'd even notice" - my mother on #thebachelorau — Joel Creasey (@joelcreasey) October 1, 2014
I'm going to go out on a limb and say Sir David Attenborough shouldn't feel threatened by Sam and Blake's knowledge of mother nature.
"Are you ready to get comfortable?" Oh Blake. You old charmer.
Twist: Blake asks the head of Tourism South Africa to marry him. #thebachelorau — Chrissie Swan (@ChrissieSwan) October 2, 2014
Good skin Sam, good nails Sam. Well played girl.
You came prepared (for a proposal?) Snaps.
Two from two. Sam has just declared her love.
Old mate now has a tough choice to make. But before he does we're treated to 30 seconds of PDA.
"I have so much love for both of them. But I'm only in love with one of them," he says.
Seriously, whoever the producer is writing these lines, can you call Peta Credlin please? Pretty sure your talents are needed on another poorly rating production called the House of Representatives.
Sam said: "Appreciative." Four syllables.
Blake said: "Wow." One syllable.
Starting to reconsider the "winning" aspect of this show...
Meanwhile, during an ad break the nation just found out that Wippa from Nova and his wife are expecting a baby boy. Crass cross-promotion or in-joke?
The shocked look on Blake's face indicates that he realises his time of having multiple girlfriends is slowly but surely coming to an end. Bummer.
Blake: "I have so many mixed emotions. Happy. Sad. Shirtless" #TheBachelorAU — Kaitlyn Plyley (@kplyley) October 2, 2014
If Lisa wins, she needs to pop down to IKEA and get herself some stools so she can kiss Blake without her feet flouncing about off the ground.
Blake came into this experience looking for that "big, big love", which is not to be confused with Big Love, the acclaimed television series starring Bill Paxton and his three wives. Oh wait...
"I just don't want to leave heart broken," says Sam.
Preach sister, that's exactly how I feel when I leave Messina with two scoops instead of three.
If any of Sarah Harris' friends are reading this, can you please check in on her? We're concerned she's hit her head as she's making no sense. That baritone is so monotone.
If I married Blake, I'd get him to read the phone book to me at night. Every. Single. Night. #TheBachelorAU — Sarah Harris (@SarahHarris) October 2, 2014
deep RT @MrTimRobards: There's enough bombs being dropped in the world today... Not sure if we're ready for one tonight on #TheBachelorAU — dan debuf (@dandebuf) October 2, 2014
Lisa's up first...
He opened with her nickname, from personal experience this will not end well for the fashion designer from Noosa.
Translation: He's dumping her.
"I came here for a big, big love and I have so much love for you but I'm in love with someone else."
Cue tears, hugs, empty well wishes.
Oh this is horrible.
Peck on the cheek only. How devastating.
Rule 1: When a woman says she's fine SHE'S NEVER FINE #TheBachelorAU — Amber Robinson (@missrobinson) October 2, 2014
I guess the black dress probably should've given it away. Funeral colour. Sam? Bridal cream dress. D'oh.
Hey, at least she got dumped wearing a gown in Africa. I've been dumped wearing trackpants in the kitchen. #TheBachelorAU — Kate Fox (@KateFoxy) October 2, 2014
Blake is suitably nervous. Good to see. Bless his cotton safari socks.
Did Sam just say, instead of just Yes, "100 per cent"? Well... I suppose it would've been awkward if she said, "Um, like maybe 87 per cent?"
Blake: "Samantha [I don't know you well enough to know your middle name] Frost, will you marry me?"
Sam: "A hundred per cent yes."
Lisa in between scoops of ice cream and tears: "You guys still up for that matinee of The Lion King before we head home guys?"
Right well that was wrapped up swiftly and within a blink of an eye Ten have transported us to a prison in Damascus... so back to reality then.
Cheesier than a pack of Twisties, more predictable than the second half of the AFL grand final. But I still loved this shiw! #TheBachelorAU — Scott Ellis (@blahblahellis) October 2, 2014
Thanks for joining us on this "journey" tonight.
To recap:
No word from the network if we'll ever hear from Blake, Lisa or Sam again as all interviews for tomorrow have been cancelled.
We'll keep you posted.
Never forget...
See you next year!